You know...I used to think it was all black and white. That life was choices and that was it. You weighed your options and you make your decision and then...you follow the path of the decision that you made.

Unfortunatly I have found that there are choices that I have made that haunt me and hurt me and make me question myself as a mom and a woman and even as a "upright" individual.

I am a mother of 4 blood sons. 4 sons. Ages 14, 10, 2, 10 months. 4 sons that are happy and healthy and a great source of my inner light.

I also happen to have 6 children that I have never met. They were aborted. They would be 13, 6,5,4,3 and I would be 4 months pregnant with the last soul.

I have viable reasons for not having my children. Ranging from a first husband that was a drug addict and violent. To the fact that my second boyfriend --was married.

Money issues came into the picture. I felt like I would not be able to give to all of them and that the children that I have here would suffer.

The last child that I threw away was due to the fact that I was certain my husband was having an affair. Although he swore he wasnt...I had proof. And he couldnt deny my proof other then to say the original BS of..... If you dont believe me then leave me.

Wonderful.

Then I get the rundown of the $$$ issues with out current household which are not the best of circumstances.

Fine.

So i gave up on my last child.

I gave up on me.