GOD...why?

I mean.....

I know I am happy about having a little girl. Hell...with 5 sons and the hubby, truth be told...a little estrogen on my side is a welcome thing.

Lord knows I have heard every burp, fart, or any other gaseous noises (or the jokes that arrive from them) from all my boys. And talk of body odor during dinner is always...a norm at the house of boys.

Things smell...and they smell....bad.

Things are slimy and sticky and messy and just...funky.

SOOOOOO I should be...and I AM very happy to know that I will finally experience that which has been sooo hard to grasp. Being a mom to a little girl.

Which....brings me to why I wrote this blog in the first place.
37 and Pregnant. I have one word for it.... HURTS!!!!!

I dont ever remember being this sore or this tired or this much in pain. HEY lets not get this wrong....I did this scene 2 yrs ago and 17 months before that. I have done this whole routine at the ages of 21, 25, 34, and 35. I should be a freaking PRO. Like on an Olympic team and whatnot.

But because Im over 35 the doctor is under the assumption that at any given moment I will inevitably die. I have had the tests from hell, I have had the 3 hour glucose tolerence test....ever been stuck 5 times in a row for blood? Yeah...fun. And although I havent had a high blood pressure yet...the Dr. "Just Knows" that I am at risk. Well...Fuck them.
I’m just a plethora of things the doctor cant put his finger on...

How come I’m 37 and Im not filled with Gestational Diabetes? How come I am not in the preeclampsia category? How come I have not succumbed to being soo big and miserable that I have not had a C-Section and just been done with it by now (at 33 weeks in)???? Well...the Dr. is SURE that there is something wrong with the tests...as I come back with flying colors.

And I talked to a few friends in the medical profession who say that the Dr.s are sooo nervous because of my age, and because I'm a big girl, that I will sue them if something goes wrong. Well....(excuse my French) those mutherfuckers are doing everything in their power to make this pregnancy miserable. And this is my last child. My last child that is a little girl. My little GIRL. And they are worried about me bringing a law suit?

Im too pregnant to switch Dr.s...they wont let me. And if I find one that will take me (Ive looked) I will have to retake all the gauntlet of tests...why?

Because I am 37 and pregnant. WTF? Oh and because I am overweight. OOOO that’s new. Like I haven’t been overweight for all the rest of my kids? PLEASE.

Well...I’m soo pissed about this whole ordeal that I am seriously considering saying FUCK IT and delivering at home. Is this what having a baby is reduced to?

A woman who is no novice...wanting to just avoid the bullshit...and have a baby at home because she is soooo tired and pissed off at the Dr. that she doesn't even want to go anymore?

Add that to working 50+ hours as a manager...and still having my boys and their little dramas. (we are talking 1 teen...2 pre-teens and 2 toddlers.) A marriage and a house...and actually being 8 months pregnant on top of it...

Never mind the hormone issues...or the discomfort...or the "normal" problems...like never seeing whats in front of you till you step on that freaking Tonka toy. OR perhaps the smaller joys of ...shaving...all gone to shit cause you cant reach...Maybe the fact that sleeping is a nightmare cause you cant get comfy until you pass out...and that is the EXACT time that you have to pee. Sex and cuddling are a gymnasts dream (note sarcasm) trying to move both you and the baby into a position that wont cause a cramp or discomfort to any involved....

So there...

37 and pregnant.

It should be the most interesting time of my life...a new little life. My shot at a little girl. And I feel like everyone is out to get me. That I am not allowed to celebrate or have fun or even enjoy this. I feel like the Doctors are going to just dream up a problem so that they can run more tests.... I feel like work is going to topple over if I spend one work hour away. I feel like my household thinks I have lost my mind because I am moody. I feel like I am making my husband miserable cause he is just running out of ideas...And I feel unloved and shunned cause I haven’t seen any of my friends or family forever.

So...

37 and pregnant. Is it worth it? I don't know. I guess when its done and she is home and they cant poke me and I can sleep and regroup and the hormones aren't soo raging....maybe Ill say yes.

I hope.

You know...I used to think it was all black and white. That life was choices and that was it. You weighed your options and you make your decision and then...you follow the path of the decision that you made.

Unfortunatly I have found that there are choices that I have made that haunt me and hurt me and make me question myself as a mom and a woman and even as a "upright" individual.

I am a mother of 4 blood sons. 4 sons. Ages 14, 10, 2, 10 months. 4 sons that are happy and healthy and a great source of my inner light.

I also happen to have 6 children that I have never met. They were aborted. They would be 13, 6,5,4,3 and I would be 4 months pregnant with the last soul.

I have viable reasons for not having my children. Ranging from a first husband that was a drug addict and violent. To the fact that my second boyfriend --was married.

Money issues came into the picture. I felt like I would not be able to give to all of them and that the children that I have here would suffer.

The last child that I threw away was due to the fact that I was certain my husband was having an affair. Although he swore he wasnt...I had proof. And he couldnt deny my proof other then to say the original BS of..... If you dont believe me then leave me.

Wonderful.

Then I get the rundown of the $$$ issues with out current household which are not the best of circumstances.

Fine.

So i gave up on my last child.

I gave up on me.